Mile marker 2

Once a year I give myself the privileged to host a pity party on my blog, this is a way I can emotional vent my on going disappointment. read it if you dare

The last few days I have been really triggered and emotional by the fact that I am now 29 and I am still Childless. One more year until I'm 30 and my chances start to decrees faster. I wish I could devoice myself from my maternal instinct, throw my life ambitions into a egotistic selfish drive for a money hungry career. ( If  I had known how hard it would be for me to start my own family, then I would have been more wise with my education)

The only reason I got my new job is because I am replacing the girl who is pregnant and is going pop in a few weeks. Now I am spend every working day training with her. Her large belly keeps starring me in the face. Deep down in side I wish I could trade her places.

Yesterday, I saw a jewelry commercial. This was the first time that I've cried from a commercial. It depicted a new mother holding her new holiday joy in her arms while the father gushed over the both of them and presented a lavish piece of jewelry for his sweetheart who just brought him their priceless treasure into his world.

One more thing I need to rant about is how tired I am of seeing my friends posting that they are now expecting their next child. Slow down......... I just want one.

I can't reconcile with adoption yet, I know that there are probably many wonderful children out there that need a good home, but it still is not the same. I feel like I would miss out on the greatest mortal gift to create life.

What I really need in my life right now is a real mother, whom I can turn to in this most challenging time of my life, one that would hold me in their arms and whisper to me that everything will be OK. All of the mothers in my life are ether emotionally selfish, unavailable (because of their selfishness), fake, or crazy. I sure got the raw end of the deal.