mile marker

A mile maker of disappointment has come today. Last Christmas my period was a little late, I wanted to wait to take a pregnancy test for Christmas day to surprise Peter with the good news. That morning before I even opened the test my period came. I was devastated, we had been trying for 8 month by then. It was the worst Christmas I had ever had. All day I just wanted to cruel up in a ball and cry.

Infertility has to be the greatest challenge I have ever had to face. Peter and I would be amazing parents, we have so much love to give. I hate feeling like I'm being left behind, all of my friends and family have children. Peter and I are the lone couple.

This Christmas season my period came on time, but my disappointment seems greater this year. I think its because I have been taking fertility drugs and still I have an empty womb. Each month my hope of ever having my own child shrinks. I just have such an empty painful pit in my stomach. The silent burden of infertility never fades, everyday it weighs on me. I feel so broken, punished, rejected of Gods blessings. How can I full fill my measure of my being when I'm broken.

Poor Peter, dose such a good job masking his disappointment, he tries so hard to be the strong one in our situation. But I know he his feeling as much pain as I am. He had his 34th birthday this month, another year older and still childless. He just wants to be a daddy so much I can see it in his eyes, and the hard thing is I can't give it to him.

Christmas is such a hard time to deal with this. Christmas is really for the children and that become more pronounced when you don't have one. My hope is so drained.

The only thing I wanted this Christmas was the joy of being pregnant.